


Of Earth and Water

by Ava_now



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Barisi AU, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, child character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:54:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23274301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now
Summary: Sonny had paused, then continued to stroke the hand he’d been holding.  “Glenn was just a kid,” he finally replied.  “If Emma was already dead, there was nothing more Bill could do for her, Rafael.  Glenn was the only child he had left.”Rafael shifted slightly.  “So if we had two kids and one killed the other…”Sonny shook his head.  “We won’t,” he said firmly but quietly.  “Kids aren’t in the cards for us.  I know it now as well as you do.”
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 38





	Of Earth and Water

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off of S19, Ep5: Complicated.
> 
> This is also Barisi AU, in which Barba and Carisi are married. If you've read any of my other Barisi fics, this fits along with those, but they aren't necessary to understand what is going on here.
> 
> This picks up as Sonny is involved in the recovery of Emma Lawrence's body.
> 
> This was supposed to be a very sexy comfort thing but then my brain took a hard left and we wound up with this. I like it, though.

The apartment was quiet and dark as he entered. Rafael turned on the lamp by the entryway, then shut and locked the door behind him. Setting down his briefcase, he made his way back to the bedroom to change. “Sonny?” he called, half expecting to hear his husband’s voice in reply. Instead he was met with silence, and Rafael sighed audibly as he began to change his clothes. He had been hoping Sonny had made it home first; it would have meant that the location and processing of Emma Lawrence’s body had been quick and easy. Unfortunately, that didn’t appear to be the case. Pulling a tee-shirt over his head, he made his way back toward the kitchen to pour himself a scotch.

The case had been closed easily that afternoon, once Emma’s brother and father had confessed to their roles in her death and in the concealment of her body. As soon as the location had been uttered, Rafael had watched Benson nod slightly toward Sonny. Carisi had quickly stood and left the room. Rafael had texted Sonny over the mounds of paperwork on his desk that afternoon.  _ Everything okay?  _ The short text seemed almost terse, but he hoped Sonny would be able to read between the lines. Had they found Emma’s body? Had they gotten her back to the morgue? Was Sonny completing his paperwork? 

Was Sonny okay?

The real question he wanted to ask: Baby, are you okay?

It had been another couple of hours before his husband responded, and the response had been short.  _ It’s done. See you tonight. _

Rafael pulled a leafy bunch of romaine off the stem and began rinsing it. Even if Sonny didn’t make it home in time for dinner, he had to eat at some point, and Rafael was determined he would have something made that was warm and healthy, something homey, for Sonny to enjoy. As he dried the lettuce, his mind drifted over the confessions he had heard earlier in the day and the pain he had seen in the face of Emma’s father. It was something he couldn’t wholly imagine identifying with, a father trying to protect one child in the face of losing another. He’d never been protected by his own father, and how he would treat a child of his own remained to be seen. A year ago, he and Sonny had been approved as an adoptive couple, and they had been thrilled when shortly thereafter, a young teenager had chosen them to be parents for her baby boy. In preparation, Rafael had found himself frequently pondering a variety of “what if’s” regarding his cases that involved children. The Lawrence case was one that had touched both their hearts as they struggled to understand Bill Lawrence’s motivation. He and Sonny had discussed it the night before, as they lay settled on the couch. “So you’d really hide something like that?” Rafael had asked, trying to understand how Bill Lawrence had been able to live years without disclosing the location of his daughter’s body, even to his wife. “You’d protect your son, even after he killed his sister?”

Sonny had paused, then continued to stroke the hand he’d been holding. “Glenn was just a kid,” he finally replied. “If Emma was already dead, there was nothing more Bill could do for her, Rafael. Glenn was the only child he had left.”

Rafael shifted slightly. “So if we had two kids and one killed the other…”

Sonny shook his head. “We won’t,” he said firmly but quietly. “Kids aren’t in the cards for us. I know it now as well as you do.”

“Sonny…” Rafael had reached for him, but Sonny had already gotten up from the couch and turned his back to his husband.

Two months ago the pregnant teen who had agreed for them to raise her son had given birth, and changed her mind about the adoption immediately after. Their social worker and their lawyer had both tried to warn them of the possibility. But those warnings hadn’t slowed down the break in Sonny’s heart. Rafael had sworn he could literally hear it the moment it happened. Since then, the idea of adopting a child had been too painful for Sonny to even contemplate.

Now he assembled the rest of the salad and tossed some bread into the oven. Checking the clock, he saw it was just a little after eight. He diced some chicken to top the salad off with and dressed it with Sonny’s favorite balsamic and some olive oil. It reminded him of holidays at the Carisi house, and of last Christmas Eve when he and Sonny helped Sonny’s mom Deb finish preparing the salad. “Are you allergic to balsamic?” she had asked him as he dressed the salad, using the vinegar with a light hand. “Don’t be skimpy with something meant to be enjoyed!” He was chuckling at the memory when he heard the door open. Quickly pulling the bread out of the oven, he set it on top of the stove and turned to greet his husband.

Sonny looked tired. Deep creases in his forehead and around his eyes marked his face, and Rafael could have sworn they weren’t there this morning. “Hey, honey,” he greeted gently, approaching the man and embracing him. “How are you?”

Sonny melted into his arms. There was no move to pull away, to separate; instead, he allowed his body to be supported by Rafael’s. “Tired,” he finally murmured, close to Rafael’s ear. “Sad. Worn. Confused as to why stuff like this even happens.”

Rafael slowly ran a hand up and down Sonny’s back. “Do you want to sit down? Dinner’s ready.”

Sonny pulled back slightly and nodded toward the couch. “Sitting sounds good. I’m sorry, Rafa, I’m just not hungry right now…” He shook his head. “I can’t.”

“Okay.” Rafael motioned toward the couch. “You sit and I’ll grab you a drink. I’ll be right back.” A moment later he returned with a couple of beers and handed one to Sonny, before sinking onto the couch next to him. “You want to talk about it? Or not. We could watch TV or play some mindless violent video game. Didn’t Fin lend you one last week?”

Sonny half-smiled, appreciating Rafael’s willingness to do something he absolutely abhorred. Rafael grinned back. There was the smile he was hoping for, the one that lit up a room when it crossed his husband’s beautiful face. But just as quickly, it was gone.

“She was so tiny, Rafael,” he began, then took a long swig from his bottle. “He had wrapped her in what looked to be an afghan. You know, the kind like your grandma makes for you. Something made over a long time, made with love, by family. It was tucked around her. And the bear…” He pressed the bottle to his temple and closed his eyes, barely shaking his head. “Her teddy bear was in there with her.” His voice caught. “She was buried by someone who loved her, Rafa.” Rafael watched his husband swallow heavily, the bob of his adam’s apple, the pain in his expression. “She was buried by her daddy.”

“Querido…” he began, attempting to comfort Sonny in his pain, but just as quickly, Sonny’s face was buried in his shirt, his soundless sobs shaking their bodies together. Rafael held on tight. 

They rocked slowly against one another, Sonny silent until finally his sobs found sound. Then they gasped, moaned, and hiccupped while Rafael heard himself saying phrases like, “I’m here, carino,” and, “you’re okay, sweetheart,” and “I’ve got you, love.” Eventually the swaying stopped, and so did the noise, with the soft exception of an occasional shuddering sigh.

This was the Sonny Carisi that was kept from the world; the Sonny who, like Rafael, sometimes felt the world too deeply. This was the Sonny Carisi who found comfort in his husband’s quiet reassurances. In moments like this, Rafael was incredibly thankful that he could provide half of the loving support that Sonny provided for him. In moments like this, Rafael knew they were meant to be together.

Cupping Sonny’s hands in his own, he squeezed. “Do you think you might be up for a light dinner now? Just salad with some chicken and bread.”

Sonny nodded, eyes on their clasped hands, and used his forearm to wipe his tears. “Yeah, okay.” He released Rafael’s hands, then looked more closely at his own. “I need to wash them,” he mused, picking at the nails. “Some of the dirt from her afghan...it’s still under my nails.”

Rafael nodded and Sonny stood, making his way to the bathroom. The water came on a moment later. Rafael knew that Sonny would use the foaming soap and the nail brush, scrubbing until no dirt was left even if it was slightly painful. He knew that Sonny would rinse all traces of Emma from his hands, but it would be a long time before the little girl no longer rested on his heart. 

Breathing deeply, Rafael stood and went into the kitchen to plate dinner.


End file.
